What Type 1 Has Taught Me About Letting Go

I seem to remember flashes of those moments surrounding the diagnosis.  The days leading up to it, the visit to the pediatrician to confirm, waiting for hours in the emergency department, finally settling in upstairs for the long night ahead, the constant beeps and alarms throughout the night, my daughter asking the nurse every time she walked in to silent the alarms if she could eat, eating cold eggs the next day at the clinic, meeting the clinicians for the first time.  But despite how much I can clearly visualize just thinking of and recalling, there are a lot of things that just didn’t stick. I think I asked our diabetes nurse educator the same questions daily for two weeks. There was simply too much information to process all at the same time. Too much to remember. Too much to calculate. Living day to day finally took on new meaning.

But that was it.  Just taking things one day at a time.  Easier said than done, of course, but the lesson was in not trying to remember every little detail, not trying to do everything just right. I allowed those mistakes. The next day would be a new opportunity to better trying to learn from the mistakes.  The first night we forgot the lantus, calling the emergency nurse first thing in the morning upon realizing. Understanding we were not the first family to make this mistake and then we knew the next time it happened just how to handle it. This diagnosis is not a one and done.  There is not a daily pill to take to forget about it and manage it. It really is 24/7 self management. 

There are way too many factors that impact blood sugars.  You could do everything the same two days in a row and get two different results with your blood sugars.  Some things you just can’t control. Hormones for example. Yes, adolescence and the body changing internally in its own way.  We learned to react and to be proactive but there were always times we just couldn’t see coming to prevent that high or low. We learned to go with the flow and just do our best.

Our first Halloween, I pricked her finger sleeping every hour throughout those early morning hours while she slept.  Not knowing how the excessive candy would be processed and if we bolused enough insulin. We sailed through that night and I never once had to wake her to treat or for a correction.  I learned at that moment to trust and have faith. That we could manage those difficult times to the best of our ability. The next year I only woke up to poke her every 2-3 hours. 

The first time she spent the night away, I was extremely nervous.  Not knowing if she would manage well on her own. Not knowing if those with her would react correctly to any issues.  But we survived that and the many nights after. Then dexcom came. I actually had insight to how she was doing away. Until she got sick of me texting…

So when people ask how I will manage when she goes to college next year, it is the same.  We will have faith and trust that we will do our best. We will forgive the mistakes that come.  We will react and learn from new experiences. As we learn we will be proactive in preventing repeating mistakes.  And after all, there is always text messages and facetime and mail delivery prescriptions. 

We are preparing for this move a little different than others.  We are still shopping around for bedding and shower caddies and laundry bags, but we are also looking at where and how we will store the pump supplies, the dexcom supplies, the alcohol wipes, the ketone strips, the glucagons, the backup meters, the low supplies.  With three people sharing one small fridge, will there be enough space for the insulin and juice boxes? We prepare, that is how we let go.

She has spent weeks away at camp, traveling, and with family - college is just another one of those moments.  We have made it this far and we will continue to admit that we have a lot to learn. Accepting this as a process and just taking it day by day, has taught me to let the days go as they pass and look forward to new opportunities for the future.  She may not always be in range but as long as she can ask why she strayed I will be okay. Asking why will initiate the action to constantly change and grow. And I can only be proud of her for continuing to grow and learn as a person. Not just a person with diabetes.  So yes, go far far away. Spread your wings, seek new adventures. And if I can join her at times to explore new places, new cultures, new perspectives than I will be better for it.

~A