Confessions of a Loud Chewer

My sister has a few pet peeves.  Two of which are listening to my mom drink orange juice and listening to me slurp my soup off the spoon.  I get it.  It can be very irritating.  It can come off as obnoxious.  And to an extent, those are both things we could do differently to not sound so loud while eating.
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I get annoyed myself listening to people chew their gum (“like a cow” as the saying goes). Depending on the person, I more often than not say something and politely (or less politely if family) ask them to chew with their mouths closed.  
But here’s the thing, I chew with my mouth closed!

I am just a loud chewer.  Loud with chips, loud with apples, LOUD with carrots, loud with a cupcake.  Doesn’t matter what texture, what hardness - it’s all loud!

I try and chew quieter.  I try and take smaller bites.  Eat more slowly.  Suck on the food before chewing.  Everything - and nothing makes it better.

It’s not bad at a restaurant.  It’s tolerable at home.  But it’s BAD at work.

About a year ago, I traded up from my big, cushy office with two windows for a cubicle in a sea of cubicles with no direct or indirect sunlight.  Now, you may have had to reread that sentence as it doesn’t quite sound like a promotion but it was.  Traded the almost rural setting for a big tall building downtown which came with some compromises.
 
But now, here I am, surrounded by 5.5 feet walls with others all around me.  And they can hear me. Probably all the way down the length of the building to my boss’s office.  They hear every bite in the office silence that we sit in.  I hope and pray they have headphones in, unable to truly see them.  But I know most don’t.  So they hear, not just every bite, but every time I chew.  Every motion of my jaw and the consumption of food.  They probably think I chew with my mouth open, but I promise it is closed.  And the more I think about it, the louder it gets.  The more I try to hide it, the louder it gets.
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It’s kinda embarrassing.  Especially, since I don’t know or work with all those around me.  This is the impression I give them.  

I can’t talk about it.  I can’t introduce myself to these people as the load chewer.  And I eat all day long so I can’t just go somewhere else to eat.  I can’t apologize for it at random.

So here, confessions of a loud chewer, I am sorry.  I am sorry I cannot be quieter.  I’m sorry I sound obnoxious every time I eat.  I’m sorry I leave you with the wonder of what I’m eating and how on Earth can I sound so loud eating it.  

I vote for music in the workplace.  Or at least headphones.